The Zap Zombies Tool Kit

Carel Kolchinski
4 min readDec 18, 2020

For readers with a good sense of humour

“Grandad, how do ya zap zombies?”

I looked up from my book and eyed my eight year old grandson with interest.

“I’m not too sure Pete. I think you’ll have to leave that one with me. Can I do some research and get back to you?”

“Okay,” he replied and wandered off around the garden.

I’ve never encountered a zombie before but I thought it might be wise to be prepared; you never know what might happen next. The zombie apocalypse perhaps?

I had noticed some strange looking people in our village recently; their eyes staring wildly with a stunned, glassy expression. But then a neighbour told me that the local bar had been selling some really potent, home brewed, beer — under the counter vintage — that had sold out within days.

Anyway, I went to bed that night thinking about……..zombies.

“Hmm” I thought, watching my wife preparing herself for slumber, “perhaps I should look seriously into a zombie defense system.”

Zombies are easy….

So next morning, I dropped in front of the computer and started my search for some expert information on the subject. I must say that it didn’t take me long to assemble some very interesting facts and figures. And I soon discovered that zombies are apparently pretty easy to see off. No problem I thought.

But like every hobby, you soon discover that you must have some specialised equipment.

It’s always the same. You become interested in a topic, say antique, toe nail clippers or rubberised, foot warmers, and then you realise that you’ve got to spend a small fortune getting all the right gear so that you don’t look like a complete novice. And this principle also applies to zombie eradication.

Before I continue, please take note.

I must state that those readers of a sensitive disposition might want to stop reading now; what follows does get a little gruesome and gory.

No, still with me? Well, you have been warned!

What you need….

First things first then. What tools and gadgets will we need for zapping our zombies?



Carel Kolchinski

Past lives as a journalist, PR poseur and commercial slave. Now an aged teetotaller, cyclist, enthusiastic musician and painter. Certified writing addict.